Alexander

Something I tend to do is mirroring my heroes lifes to mine. Jason Mraz’s life and his tendency to preach had me look at myself wondering if I did, or didn’t, whichever applied. Only in Jason’s case I found myself disagreeing quite a bit. In case of Jake’s life, I could only conclude not only his life is quite different from mine, so is his character, and a lot of the times I didn’t agree with him. John Mayer was a bit strange. There was nothing profound he said that had me looking at myself. Well, there have been a few, but those were so minor and uninteresting I decided it didn’t matter.

He looks a bit haunted. Though to me
he smiles.

How many weeks has it been since we got a new King? Nearly two months. Which means it’s been nearly two months since I discovered Alexander. It’s been about one month longer than I thought it would occupy my mind. The initial shock has worn off for sure, but Alexander’s face and his life still lingers in the back of my mind sometimes forcing itself to the foreground.

In the first week his once existence jolted me to the chore. I had a few evenings falling asleep with his face in my head and waking up in the morning with him still very vividly with me. I can still recall the quiet shock caused by…by what exactly? And still. Writing this I’m almost simultaneously looking at his face on the left side of my screen and it catches my heart again. I still don’t know why. Typically, it’s a very untypical picture of him. Typical, because it seems I always first find the untypical photo. Untypical, because he’s wearing glasses. It’s the only picture of him I found in which he’s wearing glasses. What those glasses do is hiding his eyes. It gives his whole face a different look; more intellectual and sophisticated versus a bit haunted with squinting eyes.

What hasn’t changed is the offence I take when I read people calling him “ugly by appearance”. All the drawings and photo’s I’ve seen of him don’t leave the impression of an ugly man. Yes, he’s got small squinty eyes. His nose is a bit weirdly formed as is his mouth, but it’s all just minor. So minor it certainly doesn’t disturb his overall look. In some photo’s I even find him rather handsome. Neither can I imagine it would make much of a difference if the photo’s were in colour. Maybe he got a bit of a grey colour to him? It might be so. Or maybe it’s time doing that. Maybe taste has changed in such way, what was ugly then is not so ugly now. Who knows?

This is ridiculous, this pining over him. It’s ridiculous to feel anything than interest in him. Even the slightest sliver of interest in him seems somewhat out of place. He’s done nothing important. At the end of his life the only thing he did actively was hiding in his little palace. Nothing to be seen of him, nothing to be heard of him. It’s his tragedy and his tragic life and tragic being. It’s everything he could have been, but never became. It’s all things he could have done, but never did. It’s the mystery that was him and that became him. It was the mystery he fed and was fed by others and by objects and the things we never heard and we will probably never know of. It’s all that. That is Alexander’s legacy is; Mystery and tragedy.

I have been reflecting my life, or in better words, I have been taking this as a sign to open de windows and look outside. Compared to Alexander, I’m not doing bad. I’m going to work, I dragon boat, I walk in the park or the city, I’m learning new stuff and now I have to get moving concerning my career. The only thing I’m really not doing well is paying bills and doing other mail related stuff. Well, last week I paid most of my bills, but found out I lost a pile of mail. In any case, a bad case.

We’re like two silent dancers
Dancing lonley too
Seperated by time

I opened a window to come closer
But all I could find was wind

Maybe that’s why he kept the shutters closed
To evade the wind and not find I wasn’t there

So we’re dancing solo again
In quiet contemplation
Maybe one day we’ll meet

Amazing, the ability to make myself feel really very lonely. I’m almost impressed.