Nearly There (?)

Not that I have the illusion I have it all figured out. It's merely a wondering of where I am at my life's path. I hope I came closer over the years. I think I learned a lot and I think I gained a lot in what's valuable in me and the life I lived so far. I know I can do better. I aim to live to my heart in which God lives.

All the things I have said, some with good intentions, some that betrayed me own heart. Let it be a lesson.

All things I have done, insecure from time to time. Some fuelled by habits and others by passion. Let it lead me to all the things that will be good. Let it lead me to a good heart.

I belief in my inner peace. I belief.

My wishes go out to those people who have taught me something about myself. My wishes go out to those who brought light into my life. And my wishes go out to those who mean well.

1000 Things

I once heard a man say: "Do me one."

You know these sentences you hear someone say and it intrigues you. It can be something so simple, but still it grabs you. Like a story told about dramatic things, or something beautiful like a tree in pink blossom. It attracks your attention and you can't keep your eyes from it.

Sometimes you see someone, and you can't stop thinking about how beautiful the person was. You're not in love, just intrigued. It's hard to explain what you feel. Someone you admire for the balance or determination and strength. Someone you would want to be like.

Sometimes it's just a day, perfect in calmness or balanced out in activities and rest. Sometimes simply the peace it gave you, and it refuelled you. You're not thinking of what you did, but rather of how it felt. You wish you could do it again to experience that feeling again.

Sometimes you just want to stay in bed.

I Noticed Some Patterns

I looked around the office this afternoon and noticed how dull it is. And then I'm sitting in a smaller space; the bigger space is even worse. I also noticed that, people who spend too much time in these spaces, start looking like how intelligent the walls look, with drool dripping lips and all. I am stuck there too, so now I busy myself with trying to look smart while I type away stupid little blogs like these.

Today I took another look at one of the forums I frequent. I know that when I'm bored, with or without my work, I start posting compulsively. I came across this message of someone who was completely oblivious to the exsistence of JTM-fanfiction, let alone JTM slash fanfiction. That, in itself, was ok, but the reactions it generated, not so much. It's weird how easy people make senseless assumptions. And since I was bored and annoyed, and slightly offended, I replied about that subject in three different topics, but within the same section.

I also took a listen to the latest JTM show. I noticed that JTM's bassist plays the same solo during every show, and that JTM doesn't try to variate either. It used to be different. When the world was still small and settled in the front garden of San Diego, JTM would play often, and often not the same as the show from one evening ago, or like the evening a week ago. Even his pattern has got stuck into the same old trick. Just as dull as my office walls.

I hardly dare to check out outside. It's been rainy all day. It feels like autumn in summer. It glooms even harder than the walls or JTM's shows. If only it was one day, like one evening of JTM, it wouldn't be that bad. But both seem to be on repeat, not shuffle.

I love the occasional flower blooming out of nothing and then dying just as quickly as soon the rain sets in again and drowns all that's too low to the ground.

I don't wanna do the same dance again. I don't wanna sing the same song again, or drive the same old road to work again. I don't wanna do again, but I keep falling back into patterns. I'm just as stuck as walls, or JTM's shows, or the weather.

the Wizard of ooh's and ah's and fa-la-la's

I just wish he had said a little more than ooh's and ah's and Obama and fa-la-la's. If only he had backed his choice up, every time he dropped the name ' Obama'.

I suppose I'm just a little disappointed by the first blog and the reply in the second blog. He didn't seem sorry for the way he handled it. That seemed incredibly hypocritical, since he's the one preaching 'peace', ' respect' and joy. For me it was hard to find that peace, respect and joy and whatever other positive thing he might have preached.

It's funny to read how his army accuses people of accusing him of things, because he's a celeb. It's funny that when one man is incredibly rude, and happens to be a celeb, he's not expected to aplologize for it, while any other person would get bashed till the apologies are out.

I don't expect Jason to be perfect, but I do expect him to be big enough to admit he made a (judgement) mistake, or that it was really stupid and rude what he did.

I suppose I'm just really disappointed, while I never expected him to be perfect. Especially since I belief he can do so much better.

Time's been crazy these days

I tried to stay out of the wind, but I can never hang on too long. I like the occasional breeze to blow me through, but the storms often get the best of me.
The last days been marked by Jason's blogs. He sure knows how to turn on the heat, in a positive and in a negative way. It's weird to see how quick winds can change direction and destroy on its way.

I've been shaken by it all, because I care.

I want to say one or two things. Mainly, I just want to try to keep my blog alive. Here are the things that kept my mind occupied the last few months:

• Jason Mraz
• My work
• my boyfriend
• my mom

In that order.

Not really too big things.

• Jason's world only touches me when I'm listening his music and read his blogs. Sometimes I care too much than necessary, and sometimes I don't care at all. Fact is that I've been wanting to hit him a lot, lately.
• I care about my work since that is how I make my living and I'd rather walk away leaving people behind being sorry I'm leaving. It's been busy and a lot. I made some errors and tried to correct them as much as possible. I've been wanting to hit people a lot.
• My boyfriend I see every day and since we're building a relationship together, I care a lot. He's been catching the hits, and he's good at it.
• My mom. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and it amuses me how busy she's been since she got a new man in her life. I'm happy for her. Since I left my mom's house, I've been wanting to hit her way less. That's a good thing. We're on great terms btw.
  

I like to add my dad. My dad died about 7,5 years ago. I dreamt about him and that was really nice. A few days ago, I had the feeling he was in a good place. Somehow that made me happy, eventho I couldn't call a time or place for where he was.

Happy birthday, dad

Today is my dad's birthday.

I was remembering back in the days when I was still studying. It was my dad's dying day. I was down and couldn't feel anything. I wasn't really sad, nor was I happy. I was feeling numb. Feeling numb is worse than feeling pain or happiness or whatever feeling, cause you can't do anything when you're numb while you feel you should feel something. It makes you feel dead, while you're quite sure you're not dead.

I want to talk about something else, cause I still feel numb concerning my father's death. I do miss him, but I don't feel too bad. I just only miss him during the important things, like graduating and my first job and house and boyfriend and stuff. I miss him during the little things, like when I'm showing what I bought. Things that make life being a human being life.

I want to talk about something else, cause other important things or things I care about keep happening. Like the growing of people. Like opening eyes, good wishes and actions. Things that matter, like the world we're living in today.

This is a shout out to my going-on thirties hero.

Help Me Through the Day

I don't know how to get through this day. I'm anxious, nervous, restless and all those things. I thought the night was long, last night. I wole at 3am this morning. I went to pee, and when I got back to bed, I was wide awake. I didn't sleep anymore. Instead of taking my needed rest I got up at 5.30am. I showered, took breakfast, drove to work and started working (in that order). Now I've done a lot of the tasks, but there are some tasks waiting which I don't feel like doing. For a month already, but today especially.

Today I will hear if I won tickets to Jason Mraz's showcase coming monday. Wanna go! Need to go! So there ya got it!

This blog gives me more and more the feeling I'm talking to myself, out loud. And that gives me the feeling I've got voices in my head. A lot of voices all talking to me. They keep me from work. Not that I want to work, or actually I do want to work hoping it'll make it look like the day passes fast. Just today. For all the other days, pause somewhere around 7pm and I'll be fine.

Anxious!!!

It Must Be Me

It's weird, cause I never really felt an urge to go research my roots. A few days back I decided it was time, so now I'm doing my first researches and preparations for the big trip, however big it might become this first time.

I've been feeling incredibly happy ever since. Coincidence? Maybe, or maybe not.

a Few Words About Mr. JM's Life

Well....

It's his life! What can I say?

the Spotless Mind of a Perfect Liar

Don't we all tell lies, little lies to distort reality to our own comfort and convenience? Of course we do. It hardly deserves attention, cause they're so small and so insignificant and they do nothing more than protecting ourselves from unwanted reactions which have no use anyway.But where do we draw the line between those small, insignificant lies and those bigger lies which are caused by embarrassment about bad deeds we did. It's like drawing the line between what's good andwhat's bad. It's as undefined. There's not just the black area against the white area; there's a grey area right in between. A lot of people wander there, wondering to which extend they still feel comfortable about those lies.

Some like it big and some do it big. Sometimes they get caught and sometimes they get away with it, whether someone found out or not. Some do it out of embarrassment, others out of necessity.

I belief Jason Mraz to be a compulsive liar.

He told us, in an early show, that his father used to ‘vib’ or ‘stretch his truth’. Then he tells us a story about how he was skipping school and noticed his father’s truck by the house when he came by. When he got home at the time he was supposed to be coming from school his father jumped out of bed thinking up lies why he was not at work. Jason said he didn’t care and that he was at school.

This little story got me thinking. I belief Jason is a son of his father, and I belief that he inherited some characteristics. One of them being lazy and another one being a liar.

He once told the press he was a cheerleader in high school. Though some other Mechanicsville-children don’t seem to remember. One even pleaded him guilty of lying. http://www.madeofglass.com/

He might have told the truth, though I would rather belief he was not. He might have made that up to look dorky and less popular in high school than he really was. Or maybe he was trying to look cool, cause he honestly has no clue how to approach a girl, let alone handle her. The last suggestion is one of my favorites, cause it's been proved once or twice that he really only has a quarter a clue how to hit on a girl.

Here's an infamous elevator story told by one of my many internet friends:

"My friend's sister met him. She works at some place in Seattle, and he was going to play a concert there. They were in an elevator together, along with some other people, and he was trying to hit on some chick who was simply not impressed." - http://www.roccodeluca.com/speaktome/viewtopic.php?t=435 - crylittlesister.

I suppose he doesn't really have to step up anymore since the girls step up to him. I belief he'd be indecent enough to accept a girls hand for a one-night-stand, and I belief he'd be stupid enough to mistake it for a longer kind of relationship. Maybe lying about being a cheerleader in high school helps.

I also belief he's smarter than most of us know, his mother might know. So that leads me to belief that the whole cheerleader story, including cheerleader camp story, was just made up for strategy, for him to look cute and helpless. Or too cool to be not in cheerleader camp. Whatever the case, I think he reached his goal with this particular little ditty.

It’s not proved it's a lie, but... Does anyone have any pictures proving he was a cheerleader?

Research goes on.

da Cat

I'm totally in Love with Jason Mraz's cat.

the Dutch Invasion Into Mrazland

To all Dutch Jason Mraz fans: There's a place for you to go. Join us today and find out the latest news and other fun stuff which has at least a little bit to do with Jason Mraz.

http://www.jasonmraz.nl/forum