Reply to Hannah

I have in common to that girl that the characters in my dreamworld are dearer to me than most in my real life. That's hardly weird; why would you make up friends you don't even like? And I have in common that I sometimes prefer to stay in my dreamworld, but I wouldn't ever retreat completely into my dreamworld, cause the truth is that I am alive in a real world where I have to live. I also have some storylines happening parellel to my actual life, but it's never the same and I am careful in keeping the two apart. My fantasies and dreams are based on reality, but will always stay fictional.

You remember that blog I wrote about my fantasies?

As of now, I am actually pretty much being me, as you can tell from the previous blog. Pretty much baring my soul there. Nothing pretended, not fiction. But my shadow-me is there as well. She is just as much struggling as I am. She is just as bored as I am. She however will go out tonight and celebrate while playing out all her excesses while I will be going home, play Farmville and Cafe World on Facebook and watch two episodes of Frasier. She might get fired while I'm trying to wriggle myself into a possible new project. Things will look up for me, while she might end up knocked up and in the gutter.

Anyway, all I'm really saying is, I'm using my dreamworld to remain a little sane and to explore the problems I am having in the real world.

Waking up - Ending the Snooze

Rereading my previous blog reminded me once again I'm still not interested enough in researching my roots. The three points listed had nothing to do with being adopted, they were simply my favorite ways of passing time.

Though the reason I'm still thinking I should do the research is:
1) I'm not getting younger and I know my biological mother isn't either. Since she's still living in Indonesia, chances are she already has died. Waiting longer will make that possibility even greater.

2) I'm searching for peace of mind, and I'm having the feeling that the rumble and mess in my head stems back to days I can't even remember. Only after researching my roots I will know for sure that was what the problem was and maybe I would have found my peace.

Truth is I'm not sure. I always tell myself and anyone who wants to hear it that who defines me is the person I am in daily life. I can pinpoint a few characteristics back to events in the past I do remember.
Truth is I think I have missing links.

I'm also thinking of getting into yoga. I am earlying my days, even though so far it didn't amount to anything. I still arrived at work late. I am still wasting my boss' precious time by writing a blog and reading forums.

Anyway....all thoughts.

It's a Snooze

Back on RKOP (yes back on RKOP) I admitted I was living the longest snooze alarm dream lately.

About one year back I made the resolution to start the (re)search for my biological mother and my own roots. I googled some forums for adoptees and I signed in on some trip to Indonesia. Unfortunately, there was not enough interest to organize a group trip. Ever since, I've been hitting the snooze alarm button.

Truth is, I'm not convinced that is what I want.

About 6 months ago I found out I wasn't completely happy with my job and the function I was fullfilling. I thought I wanted to change jobs and go into a whole different direction. I did some thinking and wrote my likes on a napkin. I figured I would need reschooling. Ever since, I've been hitting the snooze alarm button.

Truth is, I'm not conviced that is what I want.

The only things I'm sure of is:

1) I love music and spending my whole spare time listening music or going to concerts and even traveling to concerts.

2) I love writing, but only when I have something to say and I'm sure as hell I'm not going to ruin that hobby by turning pro.

3) My dreamworld feels more comfy, cause I'll be only suffering from afar and it reminds me, my life is not so bad.

Lucky girl

We're All Connected

John appeared on Storytellers playing some songs. Check here www.johnmayer.com. Every time I visit his homepage and see that particular newsflash, it blows my mind cause it remembers me about my Storytellers blog.

I start to believe I have some special connection. It's all wired up through the Universe and comes around to me. Maybe it's a portal I hold open with my fantasizing. Maybe it's my deep wishing for something more special than the regular fan/idol bond. Probably it's just one of these generalisations you can interpret anyway you want and it will always be true, because the meaning in the word or the use of the word is so many, you can't miss when shooting.

The only thing I'm sure of is that it makes me feel somewhat special for a split second.