I've been rereading old stories I've written. A lot of really heavy stuff. Combined with all the things happening for real it's a little much too take. Though on the other hand, I'm quite proud of that stuff. I must admit, quite a few of these stories I haven't finished. I started looking to put it all together and make one story out of it. How? I really have no clue. It's just, all that stuff; I don't want to let it go to waste.
I'm standing still in the midst of chaos. It's really just a break from running and trying to catch my breath. Looking around like that, I really ain't very happy with where I am right now. Thing is really true, I am always searching for peace and quiet of mind. Some sort peace & quiet of mind to be able to take the steps that bring me closer to the things I love and the things I dream to do. Even though this years somewhat sucks, I'm still happy with all the oppertunities I get to go and attend the arts I want. Never before I realized so clearly how much I love the arts. It doesn't even matter anymore what it is; I can be just as fascinated and touched by a painting as I will be by a play or song. That's a good thing, and I'm clinging desperately to it. Annoying is how I don't seem to get anywhere close enough to actually be able to enjoy it the way I want to.
On the other hand everything in the work area is going smoothly. A few weeks back I started a new assignment at work and I am now slowly rolling into the processes of releases and into the knowledge of the applications I will be responsible for. It feels wonderful to know you're supporting the support to the paying out the social assurances for people who really need it; like I finally have a community duty. Yet, I don't like my work much. I'm stuck in office 5 days a week for at least 8 hours every of those days. I am stuck to try find and analyze problems, to find solutions and to deal with people. I'm not exactly a one trick pony kind of person. I learnt the trick, I'm doing the trick and I'm bored with it. I am searching for the creativity in my job, but I find myself falling back into the known paths of application maintenance and development. Everything seems to boil down to the same thing; Deal with it.
In all this I am trying to get places; a new home, a new assignment with new conditions, a new and revived feel for arts, London and Dublin, a new place and time in my life. I don't want to run away from it, I do want to deal with it. I have some goals I want to reach and I will work hard for it and sacrifice certain things for it. I know in the end it will all pay off.
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