Dorine

What are the right words?

Depending on circuimstance, depending on from who to who the words flow. 

I'm not sure what to write, because I want to do right and I want to be respectful and I definitely want the words to count and mean something.

Last Friday I had a call from my mum. She had some family news, one a bit uplifting, all the rest worrying to downright sad. She started with the uplifting news.

My uncle, who was diagnosed with cancer last year, had some positive test results. He's not out of the woods yet, but it's hopeful.. S

My mum's partner, who battled Covid-19 and has a hard time recovering from it, had not so good test results. It might be cancer, they're not sure and more tests are required.

Then the downright sad news. One of my cousins committed suicide that Friday morning. Completely unexpected. I knew she was struggling with losing her job three years ago. She tried some new jobs, but it wasn't her old job and it didn't satisfy her. On top of that, just like everyone else, she was stuck at home because of Covid-19. She is (was?) a people's person and very active. Not being able to leave the house, meeting people, being busy, contributing and making herself useful, not being able to express herself, she couldn't cope.

The suddenness of it makes you wonder if thoughts of death had been with her already, or if this particular period just simply pushed her over the edge. She was the last person anyone would expect to commit suicide, but it happened.

In a way, it did bring all the cousins from my dad's family together, beit only online in a WhatsApp group. People I haven't talked to for close to 20 years. Another cousin bought a flower bouquet for the funeral, from all cousins. We all contributed to that bouquet. The funeral was filmed and streamed and the link was posted in the WhatsApp group. I watched it. It was poignant. It reminded me of how little I know about their lives now.

We were never very close. She was 17 years older than I am and after grandma died, there was no regular meeting place where I would see any of my cousins.

We are no children anymore either and everybody went off on their own life journeys, starting their own careers, their own families and spreading out over the country. Well, only two of us moved away from Limburg, me and one other cousin who lives in the Hague. In short, we all move in our own circles.

I don't feel like I can say a whole lot more. I also feel other people have a whole lot more reason and right to say things about her. I can say that she will be missed. Even I will miss the extra light she always brought along. Her warmth and empathy was always felt, wherever she went.

Rest in peace, Dorine.