Only the Lonely - Musings Inspired by Stephen Fry

I'm still working on the analysis. It's not quite right to go online yet. Here's something else for you to read: Stephen Fry's Blog

The reason why is, I completely understand the lose-lose situation. Well, I understand how it feels, but I can't say either why. I don't like visiting people or people in my house, but I do like company, except that when they're there, I want them to fuck off again. Telling you this reminds me of the blissfull relief after I closed the door and I'm home alone again. Big difference between him and me, I don't feel lonely at home, but I am very good at feeling lonely in crowds.

I don't write often about it. It's a sentiment I see as normal to my human being. I don't feel the need to talk or write about it. Normally. I don't know why not.

Suicide. Sure, I do think about it sometimes. I often think of jumping out of my window; I live on the 9th floor.
I once watched a documentary about suicidal thoughts. Apparently everybody has them from time to time, but most won't act on them. Apparently, it's a sort of fail safe. Don't do it. I'm not even sure why not, except that when death isn't pleasing, you can't go back. Other than that, and other than the people you leave behind, I don't really see a good reason why not. Is that weird?

I see death as non-existence, just like you did't exist before your birth. It didn't hurt, or at least I don't remember it hurting. I'm not sure of course. I don't remember getting born and apparently, that's traumatic as well.

What does annoy me is the thought of most people it's bad to be alone, or more specifically, it's bad to be single. Sure, it's nice to have a relationship, but I don't see why being single is that big a problem. I hated my family asking me about love interests. I hated the reaction of excitement when I told I had a boyfriend. I was basically all right being alone; it's something I'm really good at. I'm dreadful in relationships and I pity the person who has to put up with me.

Yeah, just some thoughts. I wish I was back home, on my own.

The New Cycle

Like it always does, it goes around in circles. This phenomenon came to my conscience when I was somewhere in my teens. I realized I arrived in a very important stage of my life. I was supposed to make life depended choices and act accordingly; pick an education and start living like your whole life depends on it. In this age there’s nothing more a lie than that.

My first choice was a very old one on my side. I always thought I wanted to be a nurse, I let that one go, but my mind was still in the social sector of business. It was a trick set by all the grown ups. They ask you at very young age what you want to become and frankly, you don’t know. You think you do, but you don’t. Since you know you do, you model your choices to what you think will lead you to your mistaken idea of what you want. My first post-high school attempt was at the Social Pedagogic Service. I flunked the first year gloriously.

After that I was quite lost and did an interest and skills test which resulted in an advice to try Information Management and Services. Even though the study was interesting and laid a broad basis for my further life, I sometimes wonder how I ended up in ICT.

I can do the job, the area I’ve been roaming around in for the last four years. I worked as a developer and grew on to being a functional designer and maintainer to a project coordinator. Most of it quite fun, apart from the developer role. Thing is, you hardly get to see anything of the end users. It almost feels like you’re only doing it for some outside blob, unseen and unheard of. That is not how it should be, but yet is the way it often is.

Working in office bears the danger of collecting dust in your lap and a fog before your eyes. It also resets your idea of what is fashionable and sexy. No wonder the IT-crowd got its own tv show. I’m just not one of them and yet I sit with them and understand the gibberish they’re talking day in day out. I feel like the dust found its way to my brain and my perception ability. What I do has almost nothing to do with living, not even with surviving. It’s life inside a cave only now we’re drawing 0’s and 1’s.

Just like anyone I need some fresh air from time to time and the feel of a sunray on my face. Rain will do too. Just the feeling I’m alive, that the world around me is alive. That there are still colours, many I may never have seen, instead of all the tones of black and grey and white to yellow.

I am back where I started. I am looking beyond what is inside the known circle. I want to try new circles. There’s so much to choose from. I might still be young, but it does feel like I don’t have as much time anymore as I used to. There’s more on the line; my surviving depends on it. I can choose safe and be sure to earn a decent living and go mad slowly, or I opt out to go chase my dreams and starve to death. Neither one is as appealing as it used to be. Just like so many, I reset my mode from ‘Living’ to ‘Surviving’. Surviving on my own without a safety net is a bit too exciting to my liking, though I’m not quite ready to bring forth the geraniums.

To Be Continued...

I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd...

- I didn't recycle a by now very old update list which when filled in, really doesn’t say anything about my state of being. I felt so many things were going on in my life and introducing a new phase in my life, I couldn't use the old list anymore.

I'm counting my activities; I don't think I've ever been as busy as I am now:

- Splitting up with my ex results in 1) figuring out and trying to sell the house, 2) figuring out my future financial status, 3) trying to find and buy a new house.

- The new assignment in my job results in 1) having to learn to understand two applications, 2) the processes around those applications.

- Personal professional development results in 1) see point above, 2) taking several courses about a) communication and b) Problem & change analysis (homework: yuck!) and I'm also involved in a project at work and trying to take my forums expertise to a professional level by writing ebooks and have them published by a colleague.

- And of course I want to have some fun which results in 1) trying to figure out travel plans to attend a) concert, b) theatre play and c) friends. Also trying to get the group order done which included more organization than I actually cared for.

- I'm busy, but I'm good. At least I have the feeling my life is going somewhere, unlike the previous passed months.

Slight Retreat

The last few years I’ve been throwing a lot of my private life and thoughts in the open (online). I don’t really have that many secrets anymore, because I spilled it all on my blog. Not a too bad a thing, but I figured I should leave something to the imagination. Most of you out there don’t need to know everything about all assets of me. Beside that, I love to be able to read back in diary’s and journals, something that is all me, in which I was totally honest about how I felt, no matter how silly, and of which only I know. I also think it’s good to have something where I can spill all without having to think of phrasing and who might read it. It’s got nothing to do with whoever is reading. It has all to do with me wanting to regain some privacy, and with allowing myself to let off steam whenever I need to. I think it’s a good thing.

I also see my new diary effort as a study of who I am. I planned to fill the diary with information about my research to my identity and origin. I think it would make an interesting work for me in the future. I’m already looking forward to rereading about my search.

I’ve been rereading old diaries. Some go back to my early childhood (from 8 to 15 or something). And then some diaries that mark my coming off age. It’s nice to have those memories written down and illustrated; it really takes me back to what was. I can see my development. I get embarrassed, or pleased. It’s funny.

A few times I’ve been kind of worrying about how I will look at the younger me when I’m rereading when I’m turning 40 or 50. I’m afraid I will find theories childish or stupid. Things I’ve thought out and I truly believe in now. It makes me feel stupid now. I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m definitely not the stupidest person in the world either. It’s inevitable I will find theories stupid in the future.

Not really to worry about, but still I do. I’m going to leave it all to fate and future. We will see, I’m not afraid.

Here we go.

On My Mind

Arriving at an age where I’m leaving my childhood forever, I’m looking back to see and confirm that an important part of my history is unknown by me. It never really felt like missing, because, so I told myself and the world around me, I know what I did and I know who I am. That I still know, and my curiosity is more to seeing where it came from, to recognize and confirm that certain things I do, or the way I think about things is not something that was brainwashed into me, but something I was born with. I think what I am looking for is people who think and function the same way I do; recognition.

More and more I’m starting to see how a part of my identity was made up by whom I came from. More and more I’m starting to believe I’m missing more information than I thought. So now, my mind keeps telling me that I really should start my research. Also, there’s no good reason for procrastinating, since I only have to make a few calls and put some information through. I can pretty much live on till the moment I hear some news back. Thing is, I don’t think my mom gave me the adoption papers. She did give me her scrapbooks and photo albums about the whole trip, but not the adoption papers. In those papers my biological mom’s name was mentioned. That is what I need for my research. I should go and take a look in the attic.

It’s not really been bothering me. It’s just every time I watch these programs where people are searching for lost family members, or documentaries about Indonesia. That’s when I think I really want to go there, but only on the condition I will do some research before or during travelling there. And like I said before, more and more I believe it’s necessary for shaping the rest of my life to find out who I am and why.

I’m losing my interest in my musical buddies. I’m moving on. Lately I’ve been drawn to more mature stuff with YouTube the river I fish from. I’ve been watching a lot of Frasier episodes and checking out who David Hyde Pierce is. That’s period seems to be gone already. In the passed few weeks I’ve been researching the whereabouts of Jonathan Pryce, an old favourite of mine. Turns out he’s done more and is recognized and appreciated more than I realized. Certainly my admiration for the man’s work has grown.

Still though, the subject of positivity, gratitude and politeness is still on my mind. It’s all tied up in the other subjects and running interference from time to time. Life’s questions compared to Darwin, Plato, religion and Jason Mraz. Call it a weird comparison, but that is how it came into my living room. It’s interesting because neither of them aren’t saying much I already thought of or heard of. I got stuck somewhere along the way and I lost sight of what I was doing or where I wanted to go. Or maybe my life’s wishes have changed. Maybe I have changed and I am now searching for something else; undefined.

This keeps creeping up on me as well: Don’t search for happiness, search for peace of mind. And I realized, I am happy, but my mind is now boiling with question marks and unsolved personal mysteries. That’s where I’m going, headlong into my future. Whatever it will bring me, I know I’ll come out stronger ready for my next quest.

Contra Blog

You can heal your bones. You can't make your heart beat, but you can make it beat faster (don't do that too often). You can think of making your food digest. You can make a kid tick, but you can kill its own initiative all together as well. Yes, the Universe is at work in so many wonderful ways, and it won't stop just because we begin to think we know everything in the adult system (by the way, we don't). And yes, everything we know is just a story that we've made up to help us organize this reality. You're story is not completely written yet, so you can make the coming chapters interesting and inspiring. Feel free to make a difference.

When a person feels down, and brings himself down, it can result in sickness. It can make you more fragile, and therefore vulnerable to diseases. On the other hand, when someone's feeling happy, it can help healing wounds and broken bones. Excitement can result in hearts beating faster, like being in love, or like having an orgasm. I can even go as far as saying that having sex on a regular basis is healthy.

With that said, I never meant to say that we rule over the Universe, cause we simply don't. There's so much more outside than we can see, smell, taste, feel or even comprehend. The Universe, literally, rules. The Universe gave life to our Mother Nature who gave birth to us. The Universe and Mother Nature can make us feel happy and therefore make us able to heal ourselves. But they can also take our lives.

What I'm saying is, we're all responsible for all we create (lack of self esteem versus cockiness, beauty versus ugly, and so on). The things we leave behind and might effect our surroundings. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes not so deliberate. Sometimes more, and sometimes less. The Universe and Mother Nature will make us pay for those things we should have done, but didn't. And for the things we shouldn't have done, but did.

In short, we're responsible for all our actions. We can create and make happiness and uniness, and a healthy place to live in and with. Be considerate. That's our responsibility.

BTW, this piece can be interpreted in many ways. Take and make the way you can do something with it.

Reference: http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2009/02/seeds-sewn.html