On My Mind

Arriving at an age where I’m leaving my childhood forever, I’m looking back to see and confirm that an important part of my history is unknown by me. It never really felt like missing, because, so I told myself and the world around me, I know what I did and I know who I am. That I still know, and my curiosity is more to seeing where it came from, to recognize and confirm that certain things I do, or the way I think about things is not something that was brainwashed into me, but something I was born with. I think what I am looking for is people who think and function the same way I do; recognition.

More and more I’m starting to see how a part of my identity was made up by whom I came from. More and more I’m starting to believe I’m missing more information than I thought. So now, my mind keeps telling me that I really should start my research. Also, there’s no good reason for procrastinating, since I only have to make a few calls and put some information through. I can pretty much live on till the moment I hear some news back. Thing is, I don’t think my mom gave me the adoption papers. She did give me her scrapbooks and photo albums about the whole trip, but not the adoption papers. In those papers my biological mom’s name was mentioned. That is what I need for my research. I should go and take a look in the attic.

It’s not really been bothering me. It’s just every time I watch these programs where people are searching for lost family members, or documentaries about Indonesia. That’s when I think I really want to go there, but only on the condition I will do some research before or during travelling there. And like I said before, more and more I believe it’s necessary for shaping the rest of my life to find out who I am and why.

I’m losing my interest in my musical buddies. I’m moving on. Lately I’ve been drawn to more mature stuff with YouTube the river I fish from. I’ve been watching a lot of Frasier episodes and checking out who David Hyde Pierce is. That’s period seems to be gone already. In the passed few weeks I’ve been researching the whereabouts of Jonathan Pryce, an old favourite of mine. Turns out he’s done more and is recognized and appreciated more than I realized. Certainly my admiration for the man’s work has grown.

Still though, the subject of positivity, gratitude and politeness is still on my mind. It’s all tied up in the other subjects and running interference from time to time. Life’s questions compared to Darwin, Plato, religion and Jason Mraz. Call it a weird comparison, but that is how it came into my living room. It’s interesting because neither of them aren’t saying much I already thought of or heard of. I got stuck somewhere along the way and I lost sight of what I was doing or where I wanted to go. Or maybe my life’s wishes have changed. Maybe I have changed and I am now searching for something else; undefined.

This keeps creeping up on me as well: Don’t search for happiness, search for peace of mind. And I realized, I am happy, but my mind is now boiling with question marks and unsolved personal mysteries. That’s where I’m going, headlong into my future. Whatever it will bring me, I know I’ll come out stronger ready for my next quest.