Like it always does, it goes around in circles. This phenomenon came to my conscience when I was somewhere in my teens. I realized I arrived in a very important stage of my life. I was supposed to make life depended choices and act accordingly; pick an education and start living like your whole life depends on it. In this age there’s nothing more a lie than that.
My first choice was a very old one on my side. I always thought I wanted to be a nurse, I let that one go, but my mind was still in the social sector of business. It was a trick set by all the grown ups. They ask you at very young age what you want to become and frankly, you don’t know. You think you do, but you don’t. Since you know you do, you model your choices to what you think will lead you to your mistaken idea of what you want. My first post-high school attempt was at the Social Pedagogic Service. I flunked the first year gloriously.
After that I was quite lost and did an interest and skills test which resulted in an advice to try Information Management and Services. Even though the study was interesting and laid a broad basis for my further life, I sometimes wonder how I ended up in ICT.
I can do the job, the area I’ve been roaming around in for the last four years. I worked as a developer and grew on to being a functional designer and maintainer to a project coordinator. Most of it quite fun, apart from the developer role. Thing is, you hardly get to see anything of the end users. It almost feels like you’re only doing it for some outside blob, unseen and unheard of. That is not how it should be, but yet is the way it often is.
Working in office bears the danger of collecting dust in your lap and a fog before your eyes. It also resets your idea of what is fashionable and sexy. No wonder the IT-crowd got its own tv show. I’m just not one of them and yet I sit with them and understand the gibberish they’re talking day in day out. I feel like the dust found its way to my brain and my perception ability. What I do has almost nothing to do with living, not even with surviving. It’s life inside a cave only now we’re drawing 0’s and 1’s.
Just like anyone I need some fresh air from time to time and the feel of a sunray on my face. Rain will do too. Just the feeling I’m alive, that the world around me is alive. That there are still colours, many I may never have seen, instead of all the tones of black and grey and white to yellow.
I am back where I started. I am looking beyond what is inside the known circle. I want to try new circles. There’s so much to choose from. I might still be young, but it does feel like I don’t have as much time anymore as I used to. There’s more on the line; my surviving depends on it. I can choose safe and be sure to earn a decent living and go mad slowly, or I opt out to go chase my dreams and starve to death. Neither one is as appealing as it used to be. Just like so many, I reset my mode from ‘Living’ to ‘Surviving’. Surviving on my own without a safety net is a bit too exciting to my liking, though I’m not quite ready to bring forth the geraniums.
To Be Continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment