My Life as an Online Fangirl....or something

It’s not exactly the first time that (online) fandom has such a grip on me.


Finally I made a serious effort to read the book “I’m Stalking Jake!”. Yes, as expected, a lot of my own memories come to the surface while reading the book. However, I’m not as invested nor can I completely relate to her. The biggest differences between her and me is, she aimed much higher than me and therefore got more disappointed than me. She also took every rejection personal, which I never did, I just moved on. And she invested all her online fandom in Jake, I invested it in Jason. The latter means that I had not that much trouble meeting Jason, I did so several times. She had much more difficulty trying to meet Jake to only really see his back the first time.

I think on the whole, I was more down to earth about it though not less obsessed, and I was lucky. And everything I did Jason related was mainly for me to be entertained and for the fans. We never had any illusions Jason would stop by the forum or would recognize us at all. But that might have something to do with being down to earth Dutch people.

Another thought why Hollywood stars might be less in touch with the fans than popstars: Popstars look their fans in the eyes during their concerts, so to speak. When do filmstars ever really look their fans in the eye? Yes, only when they turn up at red carpets where the stars walk by, maybe autograph some stuff, but that all lasts as much as 3 seconds. A concert lasts at least an hour.

But all those thoughts aside, fandom had me in its grip again. The above three paragraphs I wrote about a week ago. By now I’ve finished reading the book and I’m trying to find Cantara Christopher’s book, the once publicist for Stephen’s poetry, to read her side of the story. I suppose I also have to start reading Stephen Gyllenhaal’s blog to get as rounded an idea as possible. You have no idea how happy I am Jake doesn’t do public online communication at all.

Certain things about your idols you don’t want to find out. For me it was discovering their actual flaws, cause they actually put me off unlike the flaws I entitled to them. That happened in cases of John Mayer (confused rock brat with no idea about healthy relationships), Jason Mraz (idiot idealist with no idea about healthy relationships) and Jake obviously (disconnected and emotionally confused movie actor brat with no idea about healthy relationships). I’m starting to see a pattern, now I’m worried. Believe it or not, but this last paragraph and self-knowledge just made me laugh and I can inform you it was not the “no idea about healthy ralationships” flaw that put me off, or is/was it.

But I didn’t intend to write about them, I intended to write about fandom, or more accurately, about my reaction to fandom.

I remember reeling with excitement when a picture of John and Jason together appeared online. Two of my idols in one not-photoshopped picture; WOW! I remember arguing, no, fighting with certain RKOP (Jason Mraz’ official forum) members. In both cases I was well shaken up and decided to lie down work, as if I was actually working, to take a long walk through the office, from my workstation to the canteen and back. In some cases I would calm down enough to crouch back behind the PC, in other cases I was still shaking when I left the building to go home.

Becky Heineke the author of the book “I’m Stalking Jake” and co-writer of the blog Jakewatch wrote a reaction to Cantara’s book. I read the blog. I also read some of the comments and mainly Becky’s reaction to their comments. In one such reply she wrote the following:

This is a hard one to respond to! I had a lot of mixed emotions while I read...mostly in terms of digging up past emotions.

That’s exactly how I felt reading her book, or Cantara’s accounts, eventhough for me it’s less personal. The in coherent rambling from above is the result after a long walk through my office building, from my workstation to the canteen and back. A new era is starting, concerning that we’re beautifully living up to the Maya’s predictions. Looking back, it was an absolutely ridiculous and crazy ride, but I’m glad I took it. Now I arrived at a point where I actually really believe, unlike 6/7 years ago, that I’m getting too old to behave like a fangirl.

Back when I was 25/26 I was telling myself and some choice colleague fans, that I was too old to behave like a fangirl. That resulted in us waiting behind instead of approaching him; we were surprisingly lucky to meet and talk to Jason twice that evening. It also resulted in us (different fan) not waiting in line anymore, but instead go “sampling” the local dishes and arrive about 5 seconds in the venue, 5th row from the stage, before Jason climbed on stage. We had the most fun in both cases.

These days however, I leave the hotel late because I don’t necessarily feel like leaving early in hopes to catch a glimps of my idol. Neither do I stay behind with the same hopes, I don’t even search for the artist’s entrance or backdoor; I go straight back to the hotel or home. What I don’t do anymore either is going on forums to talk about concerts months before the concert, or waiting impatiently online to get tickets. Nor do I discuss meeting places, let alone meeting online acquired friends.

Strangely I miss it and I don’t. When a feeling of “miss” goes through my head I try to figure out what changed, what I’m doing differently. When I figured out what I’m doing differently I realize that I don’t want to do it the old way anymore and I immediately stop missing my old fandom days and yet I miss it. Funny, eh?