Save Me

About one year ago I wrote this: “It’s a twisted, two-faced sentiment.”.


The piece that sentence was in, never saw the Internet light. The reason I tell you about it now is, it still feels true. The “It” in that sentence is my reflecting back on me watching television and films in my teens. Shortly before I wrote that, Rik Mayal had died and Robin Williams had committed suicide. I wrote that with Mayal’s death, it felt like the door to my youth got shut, and with the death of Williams that same door got firmly locked. No more Rik the poet, or Mrs Doubtfire.

This paragraph was supposed to lead into a piece about how I feel about someone. Instead I rambled on about watching tv in my teens, or the lack thereof. And once I managed to actually write about him it very quickly became one garbled mess. I just can’t seem to pull myself together, when it comes to him.

My feelings for(?) him have no ground, or are rather based on fairy tales. I have never met him, nor will I ever meet him. I hardly know anything about him, and all I know about him are simple facts, play, or hearsay.

He lived and died before I was even born. He’s supposed to be no more than an image on my television screen, or a memory of a comedy character in my head. And there’s nothing sensible I can say about him, but that he was an engaging and talented actor.

Then why do I feel so strongly about him? Is it the tragedy surrounding his death? Was it a very primal attraction I felt and still feel? Was it his performance, or that bit of personality shining through?

As much as writing helps getting thoughts out, or clearing your head or sorting your thoughts; every time I try to do so when it comes to him, my thoughts get stuck and my words become a jumble. There’s no relief, for the uncomfortable feeling has not dissipated. This is by far the most confusing and unsettling obsession I have ever had.

Maybe it comes down to me. Maybe my nervousness has everything to do with how I live my life at this moment. Maybe he’s lingering in my head and my heart like a wake up call. Don’t do what he did. You don’t want to end up like him, and you definitely don’t want to leave this world in 10 years time.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, but for my own ease, it’s calming to believe he’s watching over me from the beyond. It’s flattering to think he reignited my interest and took possession of my heart to save me. That’s all bullocks though. He’s dead. His soul has flown and there is no good reason why he would come back to save me, a girl who has no relation to him. Just another random lost soul. However, I’d be stupid not to listen. No matter who’s voice is really calling out to me to stop messing about. And to help myself, I will gladly believe it’s him.