State of Bewilderment

There are days I’m scared to death of life. Today is one such day. The nervousness is cropping up in my throat. I feel like I’m being choked, not quite to death, but swallowing sure is a bit harder than usual. My appetite is absent, though the nausea suggests my stomach is in need of food. I think I’m also dehydrating.

I’m not sure where this fear came from. It might be the tasks that have been set at work. It might have been Charlie Brooker’s column, which I read this morning. Or David Mitchell’s answers to some questions from Guardian readers(?). Either way, it didn’t help my state of being.

Also the cold is so through and through it’s pressuring on my temples and residing in my bones. It causes muscle failure in the arms and a thumping headache....and the loss of knowledge of several words. I feel quite inapt to write anything today, or read for that matter. And in my state of falling apart, it doesn’t help my confidence. Ironically, this morning I woke up with the song Confidence out of the Sound of Music in my head.

What was this about the British education fee again? Going from ‘Litter society’ to ‘Farmyard society’? Or did I dream it? I can however inform with some confidence that I forgot entirely what David Mitchell wrote in his column. Oh wait, something about nuclear weapons being paraded through the city in a golden carriage.

Anything of it all seems so far from my life. My life lately has been white, cold and sort of busy; white with a glowing centre of blackness. I refuse to believe there’s more ‘Bah’ to come, no matter how persistent the papers keep stating the opposite. Some day something should be fine again, shouldn’t it?

With my personal dictionary draining, new words and phrases should be invented. So far I came up with ‘litter society’ as used above, and with ‘fuckery’ which I have not used yet except in some internal conversation as a reaction on some situation.

I feel this blog should have a rating?

Sources: Charlie Brooker's How To Cut Tuition Fees
David Mitchell under the spotlight and David Mitchell's Catchy Titles and Nuclear Security Rant