Leap Into Same Ol' Same Ol'

Here's a mishmesh of feelings and insights... (Sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes; I just couln't be bothered to spell check)

My mind seems to be poisoned with anger. It's just between these walls I want to scream and abuse several objects. I'm not a violent person, usually, just rude, but back in the world of common misconception and misguided optimism I want to bang my head repeatedly against something hard. I can't for my life figure out why everything keeps going wrong here. It seems so simple to do the right thing, yet they manage to lead is into new potentional failures of reorganization and inactivity. I don't think I have seen any plan come into fruition in this organization. Whenever we dig the spade into the ground to build the foundation they change plans and we have to cover up the concrete floor with soft sand. That's how we keep sinking in the floor knee deep till we hit something hard which can't be broken away easily so we build foundation on foundation without actually building anything. Our basement is now 2 stories high and we're in danger of falling off.

Anything today brought me back to the state where I could burst out into tears any moment. Within the course of less than 8 hours my body had forgotten it suffered a lazy holiday with too much food and too less exersize. I should be happy to get back to work, but I'm not. I feel less productive than when I spent the whole day watching QI on my computer in my bedroom. I feel deprived of fresh air more than I would after having spend all morning in bed with the window tightly shut. Even the fresh shot of columns by my favourite people ticked me off. Not that I understood what they were whining about, but after reading I felt I should be mad and I can't stop thinking that's an unjustified feeling.

When did everything stop making sense? How come everyone and everything seems to be spinning in an endless circle? It's like we're orbiting around our own faiths and beliefs and we're never really getting to the core. Moving out seems to be an option, but I lost faith it's any better anywhere else. Isn't that what we do; fool ourselves? For the richer count themselves richer at all times and the poorer keep losing time and therefore money. Hasn't it always been like that? That security is just an illusion, because in the end, we'll all go? That we all end up with more delusions than dreams fullfilled?

I think I was lucky. I'm not saying I have less delusions or that my planning wasn't altered somewhere along the way. I'm saying looking back it all could have been worse. I could have gotten into serious trouble with my big mouth. I might have won the lottery if I ever bought a ticket. That's not the point. The point is that I am able to bang my head against something hard for something maybe very futile. Or I can choose to indulge it all and see my next turn out. That's my luck; I've still got places to go.